breaking little twigs with my feet, and underneath is a road that's so steep

[distrustful]

It had only been a few hours since I woke up to find myself fully human on a night other than the new moon, and I was already starting to crawl out of my skin. It wouldn't have been so bad if all that happened was me losing my powers — frustrating though it would have been, there was some part of me that wondered if life would have been easier as a human. Not just in childhood, but also since deciding to live with Kagome. To live among humans. The longevity of a hanyou made that difficult.

You knew, in your heart, that you would eventually lose everyone.

The problem was, I knew at least one person who had become a hanyou in my stead. And all around the city were people who were picking up strange abilities, clearly without any idea how to manage them, or where they even came from. The chaos put everyone in danger, civilian or law enforcement or otherwise.

And there I was, seated in the park without any additional powers of my own, with nothing but a rusty, chipped sword at my side to show for it.

On the bright side, now that my hair was black and ears had shifted down into a human position, fewer people stared. No one immediately marked me as a danger if I decided to make another round through the city, looking for any other telltale glints of silver hair.

I heaved a deep breath, expression thunderous as I sat. And thought. I almost missed that pesky little Myouga bouncing around on my shoulder. Even if he didn't always have a solution to my problems, he was decent for tossing ideas at.

Comments

[distrustful]

"It's not that," I said, frowning to myself as I shook my head quickly. Putting a finger on what bothered me was always a trial. Growing up, most of the time I didn't have the luxury of contemplating the parts of my situation that I wasn't fond of. Didn't think anything through more deeply than the swath of anger that lingered around me, like a haze of red, broken by the occasional burst of fear.

The difference between surviving and living, I suppose.

"It's not that I want people to gawk. It's not that I need to prove myself, or to be special, it's just..." I rubbed at my lower lip. "When you've spent so much of your time fighting for your place when the world thinks you don't deserve one, suddenly passing as normal is strange. When the world's definition of normal isn't what you are at all. When you know, deep down, that people are accepting you for something that you aren't. It doesn't feel right. I want to be seen for what I really am."

[unseentides]

Though I nodded, I'm not sure I could have ever really understood. What I did, instead, was appreciate what he was saying. Value how he felt. I'd spent too much of my life minimising my own feelings, pushing them down for others and for the system that I'd been born into but never asked if I wanted to be a part of. "I'm not sure how much it counts for," I said slowly, considering my words before I spoke. "But whatever you are, whatever you look like, I accept you no matter what. I do hope, for your sake, you get your... strength back, though."

[distrustful]

You could tell that the thoughts were weaving slowly in her mind. I don't mean that she was slow to pick up on things — far from it, actually. But she was conscientious in the way that she observed the world, and in the way that she chose to learn about me, at least. I don't know if I'd ever come across someone who gave me the permission to be painted on a blank slate like Kathy did. People saw me as dangerous. As different.

But Kathy didn't start with assumptions so much as taking in every detail that was offered to her. I drew a soft breath between my lips.

"Sometimes I wonder if you really know what you're accepting," I said softly. "You haven't seen me when I'm truly angry."

[unseentides]

"I know better than to judge someone for their anger," I told him, more fiercely than I'd said just about anything else. So many dismissed Tommy on the basis of his rages, so many didn't get to see the softer side of him as a consequence. Not even Ruth, I don't think. It was their loss. I only wish it hadn't taken me so long to gain in turn. "Not without knowing what prompts it, at least." I shook my head.

[distrustful]

There was someone that Kathy was thinking of. Her gaze alone reflected it, gazing straight past me and towards someone who wasn't in the city. Someone that she might have parted ways with even before arriving in Darrow. The faith that she offered me was heartwarming, but there was a twist of something like shame in my stomach, and I stared down at my hands.

Even though it had been years, there were times when I swore I could still smell the human blood under my claws.

"I wouldn't want to be forgiven for some of the things I did. I hurt people. A lot of people," I admitted, clenching a hand into a fist. "But now all that matters is that I remain strong enough never to give into those weaknesses again. Having people like you around reminds me of that."